In a moment when everyone seems to be talking about racism and justice, I, like many people, have spent much time this summer examining my own white privilege and bias, as I wrote about in my last blog. Many of us are wondering how we can all make meaningful contributions – no matter how small – when we witness incidents of prejudice and discrimination. How to be an ally, and not a bystander.
The word ally is often defined as a noun; a person who uses their privilege to advocate on behalf of someone else who doesn’t hold that same privilege. To be an ally requires that someone not simply notice an injustice, but also take action by bringing the injustice to light and work to see it corrected.
Whether we’re aware of our own racism or not, most of us know better than to express it at work. And so it is that microaggressions have become the most common form of modern racism. For colleagues who’ve likely be dealing with a lifetime of racism in all its forms, calling out discriminatory comments can be an exhausting, often futile battle, for which they are likely to face backlash. Confronting prejudice when you hear it is one concrete way to be an ally.
Microaggressions are the everyday seemingly innocuous questions/comments, or unintentional slights from people who are unaware of the hidden messages being communicated when they say:
- “When I see you, I don’t see colour.” (indicating that the person doesn’t acknowledge Blackness or won’t hold it against the person being addressed)
- “All lives matter” (missing the meaning of the movement that Black Lives Matter too and are disproportionally subject to racism in police interactions).
- “We are all one race: the human race.” (Denying the individual as a racial/cultural being with distinct experiences).
- “I believe the most qualified person should get the job.” (Signalling that people of colour are given extra unfair benefits because of their race)
- Black person/Person of Colour mistaken for service worker: (Suggesting that people of colour are couldn’t possibly occupy high-status positions)
There are many reasons that most of us hesitate to speak up for someone else. The Bystander Effect is at play when, in a crisis or stressful situation in which many people are present, individuals are less likely to respond, assuming that someone else will handle it. Robin DiAngelo describes the resistance of white people to “break rank” in violating the unspoken (and often unconscious) agreement to “not cause another white person to feel racial discomfort by confronting them when they say or do something racially problematic”. Witness the family dinner when Uncle Jerry says something racially offensive; everyone cringes but ignores it in the interest of not spoiling the evening. And sometimes, we lack the confidence to know what to say or how to say it effectively.
Here are some suggestions on how to approach these in the moment discussions:
Prepare – have something to say in mind before an incident happens. Thinking about responses will bolster your courage to speak up when the moment arises.
Address it now. (Or later.) Responding right away allows the transgression to be called out and its impact shared while the details are fresh everyone’s minds. It also models intervention for those who’ve witnessed it. But depending on their relationship with the recipient, the risk of escalation might be too high. A more moderate response is to address the perpetrator privately later.
Challenge the person to clarify their statement or action. Calmly offered questions such as, “How do you mean that?” or “How did you develop that belief?” give people a chance to check themselves and reexamine what they’ve said. Part of holding privilege is not to notice that you have it, and so microaggressions are generally unintentional.
Shift focus from intent to impact. Often when you point out someone else’s microaggression the first response will be, ‘But that wasn’t my intention!’. Remember that intent is not the point. Acknowledge that you accept their stated intention but refocus the conversation on the impact of the behaviour. You can preface your response with, “You may not realize this but…” or “It may surprise you to hear this…” We’re often oblivious to the impact of our words and deeds.
Acknowledge awkwardness. We tend to avoid conversations about inappropriate behaviour because they make people defensive. Explain that the conversation might get uncomfortable for them but that what they just said or did was uncomfortable for you. Invite them to engage in in the awkwardness with you, and to examine the issue together.
Make space for the recipient to respond. Lots of space. The role of the ally is to use their privilege to advocate for others, not to speak for them. If the recipient chooses to respond for themselves, or prefers to shut down the conversation, respect it.
If you yourself are accused… Apologize. Then seek to understand the experiences of the person who has called you out, and the offence you’ve given. Believe them when they share their insights. Remember that intent doesn’t displace impact.
Speaking up might be uncomfortable, but inclusion requires discomfort, and discomfort is not the same as fear. The best allies are willing to take risks, make mistakes and keep trying. Don’t expect a medal. Instead keep your focus on the person you’re trying to support. Calling out microaggressions may seem small, but if we all can find it in us to speak up, we can be part of a meaningful shift in society.
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